a love letter to 2010

As years go, you weren't all that bad. I mean, I've had worse (1996 - 1998, and 2007 come immediately to mind). You at least had the decency to miss me with some of the stinging curve balls you threw at some of my friends and family members (and what the hell was THAT about). And the ones that did connect were (in hindsight) valuable lessons. Anyway, what I have now, is a clearer understanding of who I am after our 365 - day affair. Because you've given me the greatest gift that any year could give a flaky, semi-intellectual person like me: the gift of clarity.

Anyhoo, I feel calm and stable enough to see you, 2010, for what you were, and love you for that. Since we met, my purpose has come into sharp focus, and while I may still not be clear about what it is that I want, you've taught me exactly what I don't want.

For example:

1) You remember that string of guys I dated, the ones that kinda leaked over from '09? That group of spineless, self-centered, passive-aggressive dudes who did and said anything to avoid being the bad guys? Yeah. Won't be bringing those guys with me into 2011.

2) That habit I have of spending money on shit I don't need before taking care of important things like, um, the car note? Nope. Not taking that...

3) And that beating-myself-up-over-shit-I-can't-control thing? That's gonna stay behind.

4) Oh, and the way I keep calling myself a "fat ass", and all that? Done.

I know, I know, this is coming dangerously close to a list of New Year's Resolutions, which as a rule, I don't do. However, I'd like to think of it as a list of ongoing projects. These are all things that will take some time to complete, but will be worth the effort going in.

During our brief courtship, I had several revelations about myself; some were uncomfortable, but all in all, I learned things about myself that I didn't know before, or just refused to acknowledge.

Number one, I am a hypocrite. I have caught myself, more times than I'm comfortable admitting, criticizing someone else for doing somethig I was also doing at that very moment.

I am socially awkward. This, I masterfully conceal with jokes and sarcasm. And by "masterfully", I mean not so much.

Lastly, you taught me that I tend to agree with others just to fit in, even when I'm viscerally conflicted. This was probably the hardest revelation that I've ever had about myself, and it took me weeks to get over it. But it was necessary.

So in the final analysis, you weren't that bad. We had our disagreements, but ultimately, I learned some valuable lessons while we were together.

As for the new year, I don't know much about him. Word on the street is that he's different from any other year I've met. Got some good shit for me too, I've heard.

We'll see.