I heard somewhere that there’s an Irish curse that says “may you get everything you pray for”. I find it fascinating that this is considered a curse and not a blessing. Not sure of the true origin of this statement, but it brings up an interesting point – which I’ve been thinking about for some time now.
Upon first glance, the concept of getting everything I ask for seems lovely – especially during those times when life has its foot in my ass. When this happens, I usually stop, take stock of what’s going on (or NOT), and ask God to provide whatever’s missing.
And then, I wait.
Or even worse, I take things into my own hands.
But the question always surfaces: is it good for us to get everything we want? This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. When I search for meaning, some of my well-meaning churchfolk associates throw Proverbs 37:4 (footnote #1) in my face to get me to shut up. Yet something in their eyes says that maybe, just maybe, my question struck a nerve.
Because seriously, I know that underneath all that rhetoric and all those random, context-less Bible verses lives a fragile human who is never satisfied. Someone who frequently tests God’s love with requests, throwing Scripture back in His face to remind Him of his promises. Because that’s what spoiled brats do to their parents, right?
Yup. Guilty as charged. There I am, caught smack in-between a healthy relationship with God, American capitalistic greed and that telepastor (you know the one, with money in his name for crying out loud), who tries to convince me that God wants all Christians to be prosperous. Meanwhile, I keep getting caught in the following cycle:
See thing/concept/person. Want thing/concept/person. Pray for thing/concept/person. Don’t get it/him. Whine and complain. Still don’t get it/him. Go get it/him myself. Lose it/him. Repeat.
This was the story of my life until my sister/friend/counselor/traveling partner/fellow fried chicken connoisseur Karen told me the following: “There are three answers to every prayer. YES, NO and WAIT.”
WAIT? That’s the hardest thing in the world for me to do. Especially when I am being bullied by advertisements and surrounded by friends whose lives, quite frankly, seem to be WAY more fabulous than mine. And then there’s the church, which sits back and watches each member get swallowed whole by his/her desire (read: DEBT), yet does not provide education nor relief. Instead, it exascerbates the problem by saying : go after it! Get what you want! It’s God’s Will that you should be happy! Diminishing the Author and Inventor of EVERYTHING into a bad magical act. Think Doug Henning, turning water into wine in a tiny lounge on Las Vegas Boulevard. TA-DAAAAAH!
Pray for a car? POOF, you have a car. Pray for a husband? BAM, there he is. Pray for a new house? WHAMMO, it’s moving day. Cue the sound of one person clapping, VERY slowly.
But I’m still waiting. And no one is telling me that sometimes, the thing I want so badly just isn’t good for me. And that one day it will become clear to me why I didn’t get what I asked for. And most importantly, my fixation on what I don’t have is the spiritual equivalent of thumbing my nose at those things God has already done in my life.
I have to remember that denial is not necessarily a sign that God has turned His face from me. Sometimes it’s just plain ol’ discipline, which ultimately, is good for my character. Good parents know this.
True, I do want to have a big house with a huge yard so I can get that dog I always wanted (Siberian Husky), but it’s no secret that I’m lazy as hell. Mr. Henning could show up RIGHT NOW and wave his little magic wand, and less than a month later the place would be deemed unlivable by the City, the dog taken away by the ASPC.
Okay, probably not that bad, but pretty damn close.
There’s also the fact that I’m broke – so Doug could conjure up the house, but I won’t be able to keep it.
So, I’m living in a tiny apartment right now. It’s not fabulous or anything, but it’s clean (for the most part), cozy and way better than living under the freeway.
And it’s MINE. I have all I need – I couldn’t (read: shouldn’t) ask for more.
Besides, my life as it is now is bursting at the seams with beauty and love. My grandfather just celebrated his 102nd birthday. My parents are both alive and healthy and (dare I say it) two of the FINEST people walking the face of this Earth. I have one job now that I love which [1]pays well. And God has been merciful enough to surround me with beautiful, intelligent and caring people.
And then there’s 1996 (footnote #2).
Honestly – I couldn’t create a better life for myself if I tried. And believe me, I’ve tried, several times, with awful results each time – leaving me dumfounded, screaming at the sky: “WHY THE HELL DOESN’T ANYTHING EVER WORK OUT FOR ME?”
The answer was simple: I kept getting in the way. Things didn’t start to look up for me until I took some time to be quiet and listen – not to the usual suspects, but to the still, small voice that is never wrong about anything.
It’s not easy. But if I can do it, anyone can.
[1] Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart (King James Version)
[2] I was diagnosed with Lupus in the June of 1996, after almost a year of misdiagnoses, and finally, a brief stay in hospice care when I drew up a Will and began to say my goodbyes.
